


Sometimes John Sheppard Disturbs Everyone Around Him

by mckays_girl



Series: Sock Puppet 'Verse [2]
Category: Stargate Atlantis
Genre: Adult Content, Crack, Crazy John, Established Relationship, Humor, M/M, Sock Puppets
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2008-02-29
Updated: 2008-02-29
Packaged: 2018-09-27 13:03:35
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,648
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10021859
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mckays_girl/pseuds/mckays_girl
Summary: More SockPuppet!CrackBeta: The ever fabulous girly_curl_3





	

Rodney coated his cock with lube using the hand that wasn’t covered with the sock puppet. He was starting to question his own sanity (he didn’t question John’s anymore, because he knew the man was certifiable). John knelt on all fours, his head lolling between his arms as Rodney’s eyes traced the curves and planes of his body. He was beautiful like this, spread open and desperate for Rodney’s touch. With the sock puppet braced on John’s left hip, he lined his cock up with John’s hole. “You’re so hot,” he murmured as he began to push inside.

“Use the voice,” John groaned from below.

Rodney huffed out a derisive breath. The things he did for this man. “Oh, John,” he said flatly, in a voice that was pitched slightly higher than normal. “You’re so hot.” As he spoke, he opened and closed his sock-covered hand to mime speaking.

This was ridiculous. Rodney didn’t remember having sex with Sheppard without the sock puppets being involved. It was stupid and disturbing and . . .

Rodney lost his train of thought as he was enveloped in John’s tight heat. 

***

Ronon jogged along the west pier as the sun crested the horizon. Usually, he ran with Sheppard, but Sheppard had begged off this morning, claiming he had a headache. It was just as well. Sheppard had been acting strange lately and it was beginning to creep Ronon out. Still, it was boring to have no one to talk to, so for a little variety, Ronon detoured down a seldom used corridor. He'd reached the end and was about to turn back when he heard excited whispering to his right. His suspicions aroused, Ronon pulled his gun from its holster. As he crept around the corner he almost tripped over Sheppard, who was sitting cross-legged on the floor with a sock on each hand.

Sheppard’s headed jerked up. “Jesus, Ronon. You scared the crap outta me.”

“Sheppard, are you playing with dolls?”

“No,” Sheppard protested. “These are, um, ancient artifacts. Rodney asked me to check them out.”

“Look like dolls to me.”

Sheppard glared. “Well, they’re not,” he said petulantly.

Ronon shrugged. “See you at lunch,” he said and got as far away from Sheppard as possible. _Crazy earthlings._

***

Evan sighed wearily as he rifled through his desk drawer. _Damn Marines_ , he thought. Why did they have to play pranks on his watch? He wasn’t fond of filing reports and just his luck; he didn’t have the required paperwork. Not wanting to leave it for tomorrow, Evan headed to Colonel Sheppard’s office to snatch some forms.

When he got there, the door was closed and the room was dark. It was fairly late, so Evan assumed that Sheppard had retired for the night. He really wanted to get this over and done with, so he decided to slip into the office and find the forms himself.

The door slid open to reveal Sheppard, lounging in his chair with his feet propped on the desk. His eyes were closed and his lips were pressed against the sock covering his hand. Evan stood perfectly still, not daring to breathe. Quickly assessing the situation, he determined that Sheppard was unaware of his presence, so he slowly backed out of the room. That was when he accidentally bumped into the filing cabinet next to the door.

Sheppard jumped and the lights came on, the sudden, harsh glare causing Evan to squint. 

“Ever hear of knocking, Lorne?” Sheppard snapped.

“Uh, sorry, sir. The lights were out. I didn’t realize you were in here,” Evan apologized, looking anywhere but Sheppard. “I’ll just,” he said pointing to the door before making a hasty retreat.

Screw it; the paperwork could wait until tomorrow. 

***

Rodney wasn’t used to being the one on his knees. He was more of a top, but John had insisted he wanted to try something “special”. John had looked so hopeful and pathetic that Rodney couldn’t refuse. He rested his head on his forearms, ass high in the air, while John settled behind him. His brain registered warm and wet before it noticed the scrape of soft fabric across his hole, and holy shit, that was so not John’s tongue.

“You are not rimming me with a puppet, you freak!”

***

Over the years, Teyla had become familiar with many Earth customs, but she could not recall one that involved putting socks on one’s hands. “John,” she said patiently. “I think it would be easier to practice if your hands were free from obstruction.”

“I’m teaching Rodney how to fight,” he explained, matter-of-factly.

“Perhaps Rodney would benefit more if he actually attended our sessions.”

John rolled his eyes. “Not that Rodney. This one,” he said, brandishing the sock.

“John, are you well?” He didn’t look well. Teyla thought that maybe the stress was finally getting to him.

“Yeah, why wouldn’t I be?” John tilted his head, looking at her curiously.

“No reason. I have just remembered that I promised to have lunch with Kate. Do you think we could reschedule our workout?”

John shrugged. “Sure thing, Teyla.”

***

“You kids all set?” Sheppard asked as they stood in front of the gate.

“Yes, yes,” Rodney replied absently, typing on his data-pad.

“Rodney,” Teyla whispered.

“What?” Rodney didn’t look up. He was a busy man. Then Ronon elbowed him. “Ow! What?”

Teyla jerked her head in John’s direction and Rodney’s eyes widened. 

“Um, Colonel.”

“Yeah, Rodney.”

“Ixnay on the uppetpay,” he said through gritted teeth.

Shepherd furrowed his eyebrows and looked at Rodney like **he** was the one who was crazy.

“The puppet, John; the puppet,” Rodney growled, trying to keep his voice low.

“What about it?” John clutched the sock tightly to his chest.

“It might be wise to leave it on Atlantis,” Teyla explained more diplomatically then Rodney ever could.

Rodney stepped forward and held out his hand. “Give me the damn puppet, John,” he snapped.

“What? No!” John took a step back, a sock covered finger curling around the trigger of his P-90.

“Drop it, Sheppard,” Ronon rumbled.

“You can’t have it! It’s mine!” John shouted.

“Is there are problem here?” Elizabeth asked from the balcony above the gateroom.

“They can’t have it,” John whined, still aiming his gun at his teammates.

Major Lorne approached from the right and John whirled in that direction. “Sir,” he said calmly. “Why don’t you give me the gun and you and your puppet can go to the infirmary. I’m sure Dr. Beckett will let you take it to the infirmary, right Doc?”

John’s head whipped to the left where Carson was slowly creeping over with one hand behind his back. “Aye, lad. We’re quite fond of puppets down in the infirmary.”

“Keep away,” John squawked. He looked frantically between Lorne and Beckett as they continued to advance on him.

“Easy now,” Carson said. Rodney saw a flash of silver as John twisted Carson’s arm behind his back. When John released him, Carson staggered forward and collapsed to his knees. “That little bugger got me in the arse!” he declared before falling flat of his face, syringe sticking out of his backside.

Rodney cringed in sympathy.

“Rodney, you saved me,” John said reverently, gazing lovingly at the puppet.

Rodney rolled his eyes. He thought John was being ridiculous and was about to tell him so when everyone rushed to Carson’s side. In the ensuing commotion, John escaped the gateroom. 

***

Major Lorne, Teyla, Ronon and Rodney stood in front of Elizabeth’s desk with their hands behind their backs. They stared at the ground, looking like school-children who were about to be scolded. Carson slept in the infirmary, recovering from the sedative that was supposed to be for Sheppard. John was hiding out with his puppet in the highest room of the north tower and, according to Lieutenant Cadman, was raving like a lunatic while Dr Heightmeyer tried to talk him down.

“You all knew!” Elizabeth bellowed.

The only answer was someone’s boot scuffing across the floor.

“When were you going to tell me that the CO was bat-shit crazy?” Sometimes she felt more like a kindergarten teacher than the leader of an expedition in another galaxy.

Rodney’s head jerked up. “I thought it was some kind of fetish,” he snapped defensively.

“You’re sleeping with John?!?”

“Oh, did I say fetish? I meant fetish as in a good luck charm . . .”

Lorne looked distressed and stuck his fingers in his ears as Rodney babbled. “Lalalala, I can’t hear you,” he sing-songed.

Ronon sighed. “Are we done yet? I’m hungry.”

“Elizabeth,” Teyla said calmly. “It is not unusual for the children of my village to carry dolls around for comfort.”

Elizabeth stared at them in horror before slumping into her chair. She banged her head on the desk a few times while the four of them continued to chatter.

“Dr. Weir,” her radio chirped.

“Go ahead, Kate,” she replied.

“Colonel Sheppard seems extremely agitated,” Dr. Heightmeyer explained.

 _Ya think?!_ “Understood. What do you think the chances are of getting him to the infirmary without anyone getting hurt?”

There was a loud bang and Heightmeyer said, “I’m going to have to get back to you on that.”

Elizabeth could hear John shrieking in the background. “You can’t have it! My preciousssss!”

This really couldn’t be happening; Elizabeth was sure she had to be dreaming. Then she had a horrifying thought: what if she was still stuck in the dream created by the Replicators. Overwhelmed by panic, she curled up on her chair and wrapped her arms around her legs, rocking and muttering to herself.

Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters and settings are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. No money is being made from this work. No copyright infringement is intended.

This story archived at [http://www.wraithbait.com/viewstory.php?sid=11673&textsize=0&chapter=2](http://www.wraithbait.com/viewstory.php?sid=11673&textsize=0&chapter=2)  



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